What should have been

I want to be funny again. I want to write snarky posts about life and love that show how well adjusted I am given the constant crapcake I am served. But nothing is very funny anymore. The past year as a newlywed should have been the best in my life so far and it has been anything but.

If you have an aversion to whining (Amy) stop reading here.

In my early to mid twenty's I was a pretty pissed off person. I think most people would have described me as a hoot (especially the men I encountered) but I was extremely dark inside. Angry about my childhood and lack of parental attention.

I was at the point where all my friends were embarking or had embarked on post-college careers (or at least had great jobs due to having degrees). I was floundering as a receptionist for a copy/print shop, a coffee jocky/nanny, a receptionist again, a quasi-community college student, etc.

I blamed my less-than-ideal career trajectory and anger inside on the fact that college was never made an option for me. Having been raised by a single Dad with undiagnosed PTSD from the Vietnam War who rarely managed to keep a roof over our head for longer than 6 months meant arriving at adulthood by eight and constantly having to hustle (not literally) to find a meal, a warm bed, something to wear to school the next day.

During my late twenties-early thirties, things had started to look up. I had gotten an assistant job at an investment bank and worked my way up to a high level position with the Company which took me to NYC. I had reconnected with my five years estranged Dad who, although not a great provider, was a great guy and had finally been diagnosed and treated for his PTSD (including receiving disabled Vet benefits) resulting in him having a more stable lifestyle.

Mid thirties were bumpy though nothing could be worse, i thought, than the childhood years. Mid thirties were peppered with failed romantic relationships, unemployment, and some moving around but, they were not tragic. They were probably similar to most people's college years.

Late thirties started off very promising. February 2006 I Landed a job as the Director of a mid-sized training program, met the man I would marry in March, and was engaged by December.

Then the shit storm hit. And I find myself sitting here, in front of this once HILARIOUS blog, at way past my bedtime, finally ready to start writing about it all. But I am tired, and the story is long, and has lots of parts. So I will pick it up tomorrow.