Teenage Wasteland

My brother has a 14 year old daughter. She's always lived with her Mother, for better or worse, mostly worse but this Summer, she has come to live with my Brother. She will start a new High School, in a new town.

My Brother as you may have read (haha) in older posts is a reformed heroin addict. He was in deep for over ten years and by deep I mean he made Robert Downy Jr.'s character in Less Than Zero look like a pussy, hell he made Robert Downy Jr. himself look like one too.

He has been clean for 10 years but the problem with that severe of an addiction is that there are always consequences. Kids who barely know you, felony records that kill your earning potential, and IRS bills that you seem to always be on the verge of fixing.

What kills me about him is that he is a GOOD GUY. I know it sounds impossible but he really is a good person. Narcotics Anonymous served him well and made him one of the most forgiving and accepting humans I've ever met. He is a volunteer fireman and is on the long road to becoming a full time life saver. I have to respect that.

And now he has taken on the responsibility that he hadn't seemed to get a handle on thus far, raising his kid. Her mom went off the deep end, an inevitable event, and she has fled Vegas for a small town near Palm Springs. She is not thrilled about it, what teenager would be. Moving in with her ex-addict Dad who barely makes enough to support himself and thinks he's still cool thereby embarrasing the hell out of her on an hourly basis.

Today I met them at the Outlet Mall and took her school shopping. It was the very least I could do. It was more than any of my aunts or uncles ever did for me when I was in her predicament. And honestly, someone showing they give a shit that your life has been so fucking hard at such a young age would have made a world of difference to me. I hope it does for her.

I told her how she would never have to feel like she was alone because I would ALWAYS understand. I told her she can do this because it's what's best for her right now, and as much as it sucks, what's best for her now will make later so much better. And I hugged her and gave her every number I have so that she could call me for ANYTHING.

She seems to be adjusting tolerating the reality of it all. She had a blast picking clothes and  letting me know how so very  uncool I am  about the latest styles.  Pancake carried the bags-all.of.them. and my Brother kept my Mother busy so I wouldn't want to kill her.

I hope she's okay. I hope my Brother is smart enough to set boundaries for her even though she's not had them since she was 8 years old. I hope he knows he can call me if he needs anything and he isn't too proud to do so. I hope he'll understand that when I say "She shouldn't be allowed to do that" it's not the control freak in me but the mom in me that is sure to be  a good one. Not perfect, but good.

She's coming to stay with me next weekend. My Bro needs to go to Vegas and get her stuff and the paperwork and her school records. I'll take pictures so you all can see her. She is beautiful. She has the biggest blueish green eyes. Now, please help me with the questions below, I need to assure myself I am on the right track in the advice department.

1. What time should a 14 year old have to come home on a weekend night? I say 10 LATEST!

2. Should a 14 year old be allowed to go to a movie theater with a group of friends without parental supervision? What about a mall, the park etc.?

3. Do SoCal high schools have dress codes?

4. Are 14 year olds REALLY wearing thong underwear?

5. Do 14 year olds wear tampons or pads?

OK ONE LAST THING...If anyone is reading, please pass along my information to anyone who may want a custom, sterling silver name/word necklace, I have a feeling this teenager is NOT going to be cheap.

Comments

[Gina]

I don't have any teenage girls, but I will share my opinions with you.

1. Agreed on 10.

2. I think I remember being dropped off at the movies and mall as a freshman, but I had EARNED that right by showing myself repsonsible.

3. Usually they do. Espcially about midriff baring and the like.

4. They probably do, but they shouldn't. ;)

5. I'm gonna say tampons. I began using them late freshman year, although up til that point it was pads. But tampons have come a long way since then.

I think it is great what you are doing for her Heidi. And I think you will make a great mom.

And, after seeing Amy's necklace, I have been wanting one, but am hesitant since I know I want another baby. So bear with me, my friend!

[Amy]

Oh my god, those questions terrify me. Please tell me Vivian will never be a 14 year old girl.
Wait. Now *that* terrifies me. Of course she will be a 14 year old girl. (deep breath). Okay, please tell me you will help me handle her as a 14 yr old girl.

You are, of course, an awesome aunt. Your neice is really fortunate to have you in her corner.

[the weirdgirl]

1. I would say 9, 10 the absolute latest! Plus, you might want to see if there are any local curfew laws for teens. A lot of cities have been putting those in place.

2. I think it's fine to let a 14-year-old go unsupervised. (I mean, we were all what? 7 or 8 when we were allowed to roam free? Not that I think that's OK, now, but you know what I mean.) Also, 12 is the lawful age a child is allowed to stay home by themselves in California so I think the movies are cool.

3. No idea. All the NorCA schools do. (How sucky is that?)

4. My hair has just turned white.

5. I think that's a personal choice. I remember I used pads but had friends who used either or both when I was a freshman.

[Melissa]

My kids are never turning 14. I told them so and they agreed. Ha.

Here are my thoughts anyway.

1. 10pm for sure.

2. Yes, but only if you know with who and where and when they will be home.

3. Yes, but mostly against gang stuff and too short of shorts. Not a huge deal.

4. Unfortunetly, yes.

5. No clue. Depends on the kid. If she is wearing thongs, I would say tampons.

You rock as an aunt by the way. And your boyfriend is the coolest.

[Karla]

I know nothing about teenagers, being hardly about to remember my own teenage years. I do know this, however: NO ONE wants to wear a pad. If your period happens to start at age 11 (and I know people for whom this happened), okay, maybe you're too young for a tampon. But a 14 year old could and should use a tampon. Pads...smell. You can smell the blood on them. Ack.

Ack, I tell you!

The necklace is supremely cool. And so are you, as an aunt. I would have liked to have an aunt like you when I was 14.

[Heather]

You are such a good girl.

[Lisa]

I just wanted to say congrats to your bro and good for you for letting everyone in on the secret that people that use drugs can still be good people. I just wrote about my own addiction on my blog so its good to know someone else knows this is true. Thanks!

[heather]

1. Curfew: I agree with 10 pm anytime after that for a 14 year old can only cause trouble and she should have to earn a later curfew as she grows older.

2. Yes, for an established amount of time. Pick up and drop off by appropriate adult.

3. Can't answer for SoCal, but we do here in Michigan.

4. I am sure they do, however they shouldn't.

5. Both, I was wearing tampons because the sport I participated in.

I just want to say that you are absolutely a great Auntie. I struggled through many issues from 13 – 15 and can tell you from experience the important thing for girls/young ladies that age is that they have someone who they can talk to and share things with. Not that your brother is not qualified it is just sometimes it is easier to share girl stuff with another girl. Sounds like you are going to be that person.

[Dave Morris]

My daughter's been through all of this, and just turned 17. It's not fun. I found it most difficult because her Mom and I were at odds on enforcing consequences. Her Mom thought it was okay to ground my daughter for a week, but let her off after one day. Kids need and want rules and parameters.